Friday, March 23, 2007

Meh.

Warning: Pity party ahead. If you're not interested, I'm sure there's someone else out there with a more interesting blog! ;)

I'm in a funk. Funkfunkfunk. And not the good, P-Funk kinda way, either. Nope. The I-wanna-crawl-into-bed-and-pull-the-covers-over-my-head-and-maybe-have-a-good-life-sucks-kinda-cry kind of funk. Ick.

I haven't knit or spin or carded anything in the past 3 days. Other than getting the socks to the point where I need to increase for the heel flap, I haven't touched yarn or fiber at all. Ok, not entirely true, I carded a batt up last night before bed (everything's still in our bedroom instead of the fiber room, as I tear it apart trying to find the yarn that's gone missing - might as well tear it up while it's half empty). I've spent the past two days reading through January One's archives - does that make me a loser? It's not like I'm procrastinating, really - I'm a stay-at-home mom, so other than cleaning (the house needs it in a clear-out-the-chaos-and-clutter kind of way that happens after guests leave) and spinning/carding, there's nothing I NEED to do. For whatever reason, I can't even find the motivation to get up and find a new project to knit. Or to work through the increasing in ribbing I need to do to get these socks moving - I LOVE them, they're a lot like a pair of Ragg wool socks I had when I was in high school that I literally wore out. They're a fast knit, too, but it's like the increasing and decreasing in ribbing is just too much effort.

Maybe I'm PMSing. I have no idea - my period's been all over the place since having Ella and I'm not on the pill. Maybe I'm preggers. That's a possibility. I'm also fighting the fourth (or is it fifth?) illness of this winter, and I've gained about 4 pounds over the past two weeks (oh, yeah, that's totally going well - I want to lose at least 15 by June and our Disney trip - now I guess I have to make that 19). Or maybe it's the absolute SHIT weather we've had around here for the past, oh, forever. Don't remind me that my parents just went back to sunny Florida - I may kill myself.

I'm just really feeling dissatisfied with my life. Shouldn't be, I know that, but I've always been that way. I get stuck in a rut, feel like nothing's going right or ever will, that's the status quo for awhile, and then I get better. I have bad days, days where I cry at the drop of a hat, all day. I'm probably depressed - I've been in therapy and on medication in the past for it - but when our insurance changed and my therapist wasn't covered anymore, I just stopped going. I was weaning myself off the Paxil anyway, because we wanted to start trying to get pregnant, and I didn't want that poison in my body, but the therapy was still helping. Probably need it again, but we're kinda too broke for it.

I hate where we live, our house, our neighborhood, the entire area. It's like a post-industrial wasteland, crime's getting worse, our school district is the second worst in the entire state - I wouldn't send my dog there, but have to figure out what we're doing with Ella soon. I want to move away (I know part of this is missing my parents - usually by the end of a weekend, I want to strangle my mother, but this time we went a full week and got along great! Made me realize how much I miss them!) but we can't afford it at all unless I get a job (and I SO don't want a job!) and where I want to move, my hubby would never want to go. I'm lucky that at least he's cool with moving into Delaware since he spends so much time at the school he teaches at with the 5 jobs he needs to work there to make decent money. My hubby's great, but obstinate at times, and just doesn't want to move away from his parents, or the area. I'm willing to move just about ANYWHERE but here...hell, I moved here away from my parents to be with him when I graduated college, but he lived with his parents until we got married, and we still live about 2 minutes away from them. Ugh.

How selfish and stupid do I sound? I know I sound horrible - I'm healthy, my daughter is smart and happy and healthy and beautiful, my hubby works his ass off for us, we have a roof over our heads, a new stove (thanks Dad!), a trip to Disney that's coming up (I'm trying not to think about the fact that it's 2 weeks with my in-laws and that we'll be broke for it because my hubby won't have his night job for extra income since it ends in May) and then we'll be trying for another baby when we get back. Trying not to think, too, about the fact that we are in a SMAAAAALLLLL house and I have no idea how we'll fit another kid and all the stuff that goes with another kid here.

Sheesh. I'm pathetic. It's funny, I've gone back and forth about sharing too much in such a public forum. I give tiny glimpses, but mostly I just show fibery stuff and that's that. I'm a private person, always have been. But I've noticed the blogs I like best all share something of themselves. So nothing like going overboard with the navel gazing all at once, huh?

As a cookie for making it this far, and because this is supposed to be a fiber blog, here's a pic of Ella in a recent finished project.

fakeislehatonella

3 Comments:

Anonymous HollyEQQ said...

Wow,
You are going to be alright. We all have times of self doubt and worry. You have just let it take you.
Go on and crawl in bed, have yourself a good cry - maybe even stay there for a whole day. But then get up and try to push forward even though it hurts. It will get better. Everyone has the March funk right now - that is why it is has been so quiet. Nothing seems inspiring, nothing looks impressive, and everything just seems damn depressing. But it will get better and you will too.
*hugs*
Holly
p.s Mine ended this week - I had been nesting for about 3 weeks but got up today feeling like it is a whole new world - this too shall pass! :)

3/24/2007 12:32 AM  
Blogger Carrie said...

Yikes, you should not be so hard on yourself. You have every right to be stressed. What do we moms do if not worry about our children? And she'll be going to school soon, so of course your job is to make sure she heads to a safe place. If there is any sun around you, go find it and let it fall on your face. Chemically, that should help. Otherwise, treat yourself well, because you're the bastion the family depends on. Being a stay-at-home mom IS a hard job. You're providing for everyone around you. Take care, I'll be thinking of you. *more hugs*

3/24/2007 5:52 AM  
Blogger wooly daisy said...

hi-i think that writing is a great form of therapy-i also think it's just fine to spew things on blogs-so don't feel bad. i don't know if you are into herbal remedies or not but i've used St. john's wort in the past when i couldn't shake a funk. it is an excellent nervine and helps with mild depression. make sure you are not pregnant before taking any herbs. there's lot's of info on the web. i prefer taking herbs in tincture form-(i find them more effective, the alcohol tinctures seem more potent than glycerin ones-but that is only my opinion. but you can also get it in capsules or tea. the return of the sun may bring you brighter days too-hang in there.

3/27/2007 2:07 PM  

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